Perfectionism is the great paralyzer in many people’s lives, and one of the main causes of procrastination.
Winston Churchill famously once commented on this after reading a proposal for landing craft improvements that was submitted to him by one of his generals. He wrote on the report:
‘The maxim “Nothing avails but perfection” may be spelt shorter: PARALYSIS.’
The interesting thing I have discovered is that perfectionism affects first-born and “only” children far more than others. Psychologists believe that this is because parents are inexperienced and over-anxious with their first baby and try to be the perfect parents. The baby intuitively picks this up and tries to be the perfect baby to please them. This then gets perpetuated into childhood and adult life.
The important thing to realize about this is that most people regard perfectionism as a “good” trait because perfectionists also tend to be reliable, conscientious high achievers. But when you see the self-sabotaging, paralyzing effect of this, it puts a completely different spin on it.
Perfectionism is not a commendable virtue to cultivate – in most people it is a birth-order handicap that needs to be overcome!
Don’t get me wrong here. I’m a great believer in the Japanese principle of Kaizen, which is about striving for continuous improvement. That attitude will take a person far, and is essential to unlocking the innate talents we are born with. Not everyone can be an astronaut (although it’s interesting to discover that 100% of American astronauts who have gone into space were either first-born or the eldest son in their family!), but taking a Kaizen approach to whatever it is that you do will allow you to take pride in your work and develop the soul qualities that lie at the core of a happy and fulfilling life. This gentle striving to improve a little each day is very different to the stressful torment of over-achievers who feel that even their best is never good enough.
It’s said that the ideal relationship is for a first-born to marry a last-born, because the first-born will be sensible and make sure stuff gets done, and the last-born just wants to have fun and will teach the first-born how to relax and enjoy life. The recipe for a happy, productive life for each person lies somewhere between the two, and will put perfectionism in its rightful place – out to graze until it comes to its senses.
On the topic of innate talents, there is much that we can learn from Bali’s unique spiritual culture, where I lived for two decades of my adult life. In every family compound there is a stone shrine called sanggah taksu, which translates to “the seat of divine talents”. Offerings are made at this shrine every day to nurture the blossoming and development of each family member’s talents, which is seen as the way they can fulfill their divine path here on Earth and contribute the most to their community by doing the things they do best.
It would be too romantic to assume that all Balinese are lucky enough to be able to earn their living this way. It’s a Third World culture and many live at survival level, never knowing where their next meal is coming from. But the quest for each person to develop their own unique talents lies at the heart of Balinese spiritual and social values, and it is actively encouraged and supported. It’s very heart-warming to see, and many do follow their calling and earn money doing what they love to do.
By contrast, in western societies, children have bright aspirations for what they want to be when they grow up, but so many people end up in jobs they don’t like, never finding a way to express the innate talents they were born with. To quote another famous pundit: ‘Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75.’ – Benjamin Franklin. Now, if that isn’t an incentive to dump perfectionism and get on with whatever you really want to do, I don’t know what is!
And why the photo of dogs in wellies at the top of this blog? It may not be the “perfect” photo to go with this article, but hey, it makes me smile, and that’s good enough for me!
Copyright © Karen Kingston 2015